Smart Phones and Stupid Mistakes: 12 Tips for Cell Phone Civility

Did you know that July is Cell Phone Courtesy Month? I sure didn’t. At least, not until Free Spirit, the publisher of HOW RUDE!, asked me for some guidelines on polite cell phone behavior.

“You really think that’s necessary?” I said. “I’m always polite to my cell phone. Isn’t everyone?”

Free Spirit explained that, while most people treat their cell phones with kindness, some people use them in a manner that is insensitive or rude to others. Well, I was shocked.

SHOCKED!

SHOCKED!!

You could have knocked me over with a Blackberry. So I did some research and, sure enough, cell phone rudeness is rampant. In fact, in a HOW RUDE! Survey, teens, parents, and teachers cite inappropriate use of electronic devices as the manners violation that annoys them the most.

We’ve become a land of pointy-thumbed zombies—texting, swiping, and whispering sweet nothings into our phones. We chat with our wrists and speak into thin air—and no one calls the men in the white coats. Ask people about their significant other and they’ll show you their smartphone. One of these days we’ll learn that secondhand sound gives you cancer. And you gotta love all those stories about people so absorbed in texting that they walk into trees, stumble into fountains, and smash into doors. I have to admit my first reaction is “serves you right.” My second is “OUCH!”

With such a plague of telephonetic inetiquette, here are some basic rules for cell phone civility:

1)   Turn off all beepers and ringers when you’re at an event or place where quiet and/or respect are required: houses of worship, libraries, concerts, plays, movies, lectures, funerals, restaurants, private dinners at someone’s home, etc. Silent ringers—the kinds that vibrate to give your thigh a thrill and let you know you have a call—are allowed as long as they’re not audible when vibrating. But you’re still not permitted to take the call. Instead, excuse yourself or slip out discreetly and call the person back.

2)   Unwanted noise is not the only pollutant put out by cell phones. In a dark setting, light emitted by a cell phone can be an annoyance as well. So, if you are sitting in a movie theater, attending a séance, or hunkering down for a stakeout where light from your screen could give away your position, nix on the pix - els.

3)   Recognize that people talking to themselves—and that’s how you appear to others, despite the piece of plastic growing out of your ear—are a distraction. Therefore, unless the call is of interest or relevance to everyone present (for example, a business negotiation or a loved one in common), take it to a private spot where your conversation won’t intrude on those of others.

4)   Public restrooms are a place where people go to conduct their business. But not their cell phone business. Why not? Because it’s just too CREEPY, that’s why! So please stay off your phone in public bathrooms. Everyone will be relieved.

5)   The sound of a ringing cell phone is annoying to others by definition. SO WHY DO PEOPLE CHOOSE THE LOUDEST, MOST OBNOXIOUS RINGTONES? (AND YES, I AM SHOUTING!) Choose a ringtone that isn’t going to rattle teeth or send shivers up one’s spine. And turn the volume down to the lowest setting that still allows you to hear it.

6)   If you’re eating with others or attending a meeting, don’t place your mobile devices on the table. Glancing lovingly at your smartphone gives people the impression that you think it is more important than they are. And while that may be how you feel, you can’t show it! Be with the ones you’re with. As a wise teen said to her always-texting friends, “If you’re with me, be with me!”

7)   Do not “hide” your phone on your lap. Just because it’s out of sight doesn’t mean people don’t know what you’re doing. They’ll see you looking down and think that you are either inordinately interested in your crotch or sending a text.

8)   If you’re out with people and expecting an important call, let them know upfront that you’re going to have to take it and apologize in advance. When the call comes, excuse yourself and head to a private place.

9)   No shouting please. People can hear you just fine if you talk in a regular voice.

10)  Don’t make a scene. Bystanders do not need to witness your domestic disputes, percolating pathologies, or consumer outrages. On the flip side, if you’re the one who’s subjected to a 15-minute, best-performance-on-a-cell-phone meltdown, it’s only polite to applaud at its conclusion.

11)  Sssshhhh. Now that phones can be used to listen to music, stream video, and play games, we have umpteen new ways to annoy people with unwanted noise. So turn down the volume.

12)  It’s rude to run over a pedestrian because you were texting and driving. (If they were texting while crossing it increases the moral complexity of the situation, but you’ll still be the one in jail.) So always obey laws regarding cell phones when operating a vehicle. Use hands-free devices and never text while driving.

As Manners Guru to the Youth of America, I hereby declare that YOU control your phone. Not the other way around. Accordingly:

•  You are permitted to let a call go to voicemail.
   
•  You are permitted to stash your phone in a backpack, purse, pocket, or briefcase, and ignore texts and messages until later when you are ready to deal with them.
   
•  You are permitted to turn your phone off. Yes, OFF. As in—off. Not on. Off. Will not ring. Will not distract. Will not disturb.

And finally, if you’re having lunch with someone who keeps texting, taking calls, and checking his phone, you may excuse yourself from the table, leave the restaurant, and send a text saying you’ve gone home.

(Bonus! Download The 24 Do’s and Don’ts of Cell Phone Etiquette (From the Minds of Genuine Teenagers), a free printable page from How Rude!® The Teen Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out.)

Hear Ye, Hear Ye: Noise Pollution and the Etiquette of Earbuds

Few inventions have done more than headphones to preserve peaceful relations between teenagers and adults. Parents no longer have to yell “Turn that noise down!” a hundred times a day. On the other hand, their kids rarely come when called.

The rules for polite use of personal, portable listening devices are few but essential:

• Remove your earbuds or headphones when speaking to someone. Show that you’re giving your full attention to the conversation. This also eliminates the need to shout so you can hear yourself.
   
• If someone wearing headphones addresses you, mouth your response silently. He’ll think the problem is on his end and will remove the headphones, which is what he should have done in the first place.
   
• In public places, keep the volume low enough so only you can hear it. If you’re nuking your brain, it probably means that people at the other end of the bus or subway or gym or Starbucks can also hear your music. Only instead of the pleasant sounds you’re enjoying, they’re hearing a scratchy metallic noise comparable to fingernails scraping across a chalkboard.
   
• If you listen to music when walking downtown, riding a bike, jogging, skating, or strolling along train tracks, keep the volume very, very low. Make sure you can hear approaching traffic or someone shouting a warning. If you get run over by a truck or hit by a train, you’ll make a mess that others will have to clean up, and that’s bad manners.
   
• Don’t wear your headphones while driving a car. Not only is this dangerous, in some states it’s illegal.

HEALTH TIP: There's another good reason for keeping the volume low on your listening device: Research shows that listening to loud music on portable devices can cause noise-induced hearing loss in teens. That's right, as portable music gadgets increased in popularity, so did teenage hearing loss. ln fact, it's estimated that 1 in 5 adolescents now suffers some degree of impaired hearing. This type of hearing loss occurs painlessly, gradually, and unknowingly, but teens can minimize the chance this will happen to them:

• Lower the volume. I said, LOWER THE VOLUME! (Under 85 decibels.) Many teens listen at full volume (100 or more decibels) on their devices. This is equivalent to having a chainsaw or motorcycle engine blasting into your ears. If the volume is set so that only you can hear it, chances are it's a safe level that is unlikely to damage your hearing.
   
• Wear headphones instead of earbuds. Headphones are better at reducing background noise so you can hear the music at a lower volume. And they don't laser quite as much sound energy into your ears.
   
• Take a 15-minute silence break every hour. Nonstop listening increases the risk of permanent damage to the sensory cells of the inner ear.

Aural laurels will flow to teens who follow these plauditory auditory guidelines.

Adapted from How Rude! by Alex J. Packer, copyright © 2014. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.
 

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: Solving Family Problems

Conflict between parents and kids is normal, natural, and unavoidable. It’s an inevitable accompaniment to interlocking lives and feelings. But when battle lines get drawn, when “Because I said so” locks horns with “You can’t tell me what to do,” the problem disappears amidst “parental authority” and “children’s rights,” and everyone loses.

There’s nothing wrong with a family just because the interests, needs, or feelings of its members collide on occasion. It’s not the conflict that does the damage. It is how the conflict does or doesn’t get resolved that does the damage.

Problems don’t magically disappear. In fact, if left untreated, they usually get worse. Irritation turns into resentment. Hurt turns into rage. Families shouldn’t be afraid of dealing with problems. They should be afraid of not dealing with them. The key to constructive problem-solving is to approach problems as creative challenges—brain-teasers where the “winning” solution is the one in which the needs and feelings of all are heard and respected.

The best way to get to problems before they get to you is to have a weekly family meeting—a time to make plans, ask questions, share news, and address issues causing friction. If the idea of a family meeting meets with resistance, explain that people who share common interests and objectives—be they basketball players, management teams, faculty members, or parents and children—need to get together regularly to maintain harmony, trust, and common purpose.

Here are some ground rules for family meetings:

Set a regular time to meet each week.   While this might seem unnecessary, it’s essential if the Venn diagrams of everyone’s lessons, jobs, appointments, practices, classes, and social engagements are ever going to overlap. If someone has a legitimate excuse for missing a meeting, try to reschedule. I’d suggest that attendance be voluntary rather than mandatory. If the meeting is fun and constructive, kids will want to come. And if a child chooses not to attend, he or she will still have to abide by whatever was decided.

Create an agenda.   This can be a list on the refrigerator door, or texts sent to an appointed aggregator. While last-minute issues can always be brought to the meeting, an agenda gets people thinking ahead of time about what they’d like to discuss. It should include “old business” that needs revisiting, as well as new items.

Be positive.   Begin each meeting by recognizing kindnesses, contributions, and improvements. Family members can be asked to offer a compliment, recognize an achievement, or express gratitude.

Rotate the chair.   This doesn’t mean twirling in your seat while you meet. It means having a different family member run each meeting. This prevents any one person from becoming a Prima Dominator, and gives kids a chance to develop leadership skills. One of the responsibilities of the leader is to encourage respectful listening by ensuring that only one person talks at a time. With younger children, this can be facilitated by passing an object that endows its holder with the right to speak, kind of like the conch shell in Lord of the Flies—with the hope that your family will maintain a greater level of civility than did William Golding’s stranded schoolboys.

Keep it short.   While you want enough time to deal thoughtfully and thoroughly with the agenda, don’t meet for too long. People get restless, thinking gets fuzzy, and resistance can build. If there’s a wide age-range amongst your kids, deal with issues that concern the whole family first, and then dismiss younger children so you can focus on topics involving your teens. If you run out of time, you can either seek a consensus to extend the meeting, schedule another session, or simply wait until the next family meeting.

Appoint a scribe.   The scribe’s job is to keep a record of ideas, plans, decisions, etc. He or she can maintain the agenda and remind people between meetings of any actions they need to take.

Family meetings should be fun, informative, and constructive. While they can be used for everything from planning vacations to tackling projects to choosing presents for Grandma, one of their primary purposes is to address conflicts that arise. The best way to do this without degenerating into groan-filled gripe sessions is to create a safe, respectful environment for airing feelings and resolving disputes. Here’s how:

Use a structured problem-solving method.   This guides family members through a series of steps that maximize the chances for respectful discussion, empathic listening, and fair and lasting resolutions.

 1.  Identify the problem.   This is best done when you’re not yelling at each other. To create a constructive climate for problem solving, state the issue in terms of needs, feelings, and facts (“I-Messages), as opposed to accusation, criticism, and blame (“You-Messages).

RIGHT (Parent): “When I took the car to drive to my appointment, the gas tank was empty. How can we make sure that doesn’t happen again?”
WRONG (Parent): “Which of you inconsiderate brats used the car without filling it up?”

RIGHT (Teen): “I’d like to talk about how I can have more money.”
WRONG (Teen): “You never give me enough money. All my friends have bigger allowances.”

You can see how attacks are likely to trigger fights and defensiveness, while statements of need and fact open the door to more reasoned discussion and a broader range of proposals, compromises, and fixes.

2.  Brainstorm solutions.   Here’s where you think up as many ideas as possible. (The scribe should be writing them down.) The more ideas the merrier. It’s fine to be silly. Judging and analyzing are not allowed at this stage as they inhibit contributions. Who’s going to risk giving an idea if someone else is going to say “That’s stupid” or “That’ll never work”? The goal at this stage is unfettered creativity; sometimes wild ideas lead to sage solutions.

3.  Discuss options.   Now’s the time to evaluate the suggestions and eliminate ideas that are obviously impractical or unrealistic (e.g., building an addition so every family member can have their own bathroom). When ideas are rejected it should be done without labeling them “dumb” or “lame.”

4.  Choose a solution.   Here’s where the rubber hits the reality. Pick the option that most fairly and effectively addresses the issue. There are no right or wrong solutions. What works for your family won’t necessarily work for another family. A solution is right if everybody agrees on the chosen course of action. Be on guard against Silly Solutions, Absurd Approaches, and Ridiculous Resolves. In your desire to reach agreement you may accept a “solution” that is patently preposterous. Don’t agree just so you can say you’ve addressed the problem. Once you’ve selected a strategy, identify any “action steps” and make sure each family member understands his or her responsibilities in carrying out the solution.

5.  Monitor progress.   Keep an eye on how things are going. Some solutions will fall apart. Perhaps the problem was misidentified, the plan was unclear, the circumstances changed, or someone forgot to carry out a responsibility. Spend some time during each family meeting checking up on prior problems. If everything’s fine, this validates the process and warrants recognition of everyone’s good efforts. And if something has come unraveled, take a new look at it, figure out what went wrong, and retool your approach.

Problem-solving sessions really work. Why?

• Many problems exist simply because no one bothers to tackle them. The symptoms may be treated, but not the underlying cause. This method focuses attention on the core issue until it’s resolved.
   
• The steps give structure to the process.
   
• No one’s on trial, no one’s in the hot seat.
   
• The process leads to creative solutions and compromises that might otherwise never be considered.
   
• Nobody loses. There are no votes, no “majority rules.” It’s a process of reaching agreement. People are much more likely to carry out a decision they helped to make than one imposed upon them.
   
• The structure creates a forum that respects people’s needs and feelings.
   
• The process focuses on the future rather than the past, on solving rather than blaming.
   
• The steps can address virtually any family problem or conflict—practical or relational—before or after it has erupted.

The great thing about successful problem-solving is that it builds feelings of trust and respect amongst family members. The family gains confidence in its ability to deal with discord. If you think of your favorite stores or services, I bet the ones you like the most aren’t necessarily the ones that never messed up or disappointed you. They’re the ones that, if they did make a mistake, went out of their way to make everything right. And so it is with families: The measure of a healthy family should not be whether or not it experiences conflict. The measure should be whether the family resolves its conflicts with fairness and love.

*               *               *

This post first appeared as "Cures for the Common Conflict: Family Problem-Solving Sessions" on Ten to Twenty Parenting on April 9, 2015.

Living with Digitally-Challenged Parents: Coping Skills for Kids

Despite considerable progress having been made over the past 20 years, many children still live in households led by cybernetically-impaired parents. These parents put up a brave front, but they are all thumbs when it comes to texting. They think tweeting is what birds do. Ask them about virus protection and they’ll go wash their hands. We need to be on the lookout for children living with pixel-puzzled parents. These kids need our support and attention, as well as practical tools if they are to deal successfully with the demands of their challenging home environment. Here are some practical tips I offered to a teen who wrote in with this very problem.

Dear Alex,

I’m the technically gifted one in my family, and everyone (especially my parents) comes to me with their computer and Internet questions. They expect me to drop everything just because they deleted a file or got some error message that has them convinced their computer is going to self-destruct in 30 seconds. Is there anything I can do to discourage this dependence on me?

Discourage it? You want to encourage it with every fiber of your being.

Look, the reason grown-ups have children is to ensure that somebody in the house will know how to sync phones with tablets, program the thermostat, and get back the TV channels that disappeared. Sure, more and more parents are getting up to speed with their techno-gadgets, but there’s always something they can learn from their kids. Computer-savvy kids love to help their parents out. You can use your superior knowledge to get your parents to buy all sorts of stuff you’ve been dying to have. You can say to your dad:

“The only thing that will solve your problem once and for all is a Phantom X-Treme liquid neon color master 1350 watt gaming computer with 24X dual format DVD+R/+RW plus CD-R/-RW drives, Rampage Ultra Quad Cards, 8 channel HD audio, Soundblaster X-Fi Titanium headset, and a Thunderbolt S23A950D Black 28" Full HD 3D LED LCD BackLight Monitor.”

Dad might scratch his head and say:

“I need all that just because my phone is dead?”

To which you would confidently reply:

“Well, you could just charge your battery but I think this would work a lot better, Dad.”

You also have a priceless opportunity to model proper teaching behavior for your parents. This, of course, will take a great deal of patience on your part. Adults tend to ask silly questions, rush ahead without reading directions, and get defensive when being corrected. Here are the best techniques for instructing adults without hurting their feelings or injuring their self-confidence:

Be tolerant. Grownups just aren’t as experienced as kids in many areas. Tech-ease is one of them. It’s not your parents’ fault if they’re cybernetically challenged. Treat them with respect. Assume that they have the ability to learn. At all costs, avoid remarks such as “How could you be so dumb?” or “Can’t you do anything right?”

Be patient. Experience is the best teacher—even if it means making mistakes. When you see your parents head off in the wrong direction, resist the temptation to jump in and take over. If they’re about to nuke the hard drive or something equally irrevocable, you can usually prevent it by saying “Let’s just consider this for a minute before proceeding.” Then ask questions to help them think through their actions before taking them. Most adults will make responsible decisions if trusted to do so.

Be encouraging. In the face of their children’s techno-brilliance, many parents lack confidence, feel stupid, and get easily discouraged. You must counter these feelings. Be a cheerleader for your folks. Say:

“You’re doing great!”

“Keep up the good work!”

“Look out, Bill Gates!”

Be realistic. Your parents will want to come across as streetwise and cool when they text, message, and post online, which means they may try to use Internet slang in their communications. This is fraught with danger if they don’t know what they’re doing. For example, did you hear about the mom who texted her son with bad news?

You can see the trouble parents can get into if they text beyond their abilities. Caution your parents about the downside of abbreviations and acronyms. Encourage them to consult online slang dictionaries before attempting any fancy texting tricks.

If you practice these teaching methods diligently, you’ll find that your parents’ computer, social media, and online skills will increase to the point where they’ll be less dependent on you for help. And, given your shining example, they may start to use these methods of instruction with you.

Adapted from How Rude! by Alex J. Packer, copyright © 2014. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Minding Your Facebook Manners: A Guide for Parents

There are two types of offspring. Those who would welcome their parents as Facebook friends, and those who would not. If your child belongs to the first category, take it as a great compliment and repay the kindness by minding your Facebook manners.

If your child belongs to the second category, can I convince you not to send a friend request to your child? No? Can I convince you to respect your child’s desire for privacy, to accept that teens may want and need to close their Facebook door to you? No? You mean it’s nonnegotiable? They must friend you if they’re going to be on Facebook? Okay. Got it. But please follow the Code of Facebook Etiquette for Parents of Teenagers.

• Rejoice in this opportunity to enter your child’s world. But remember that it is her world and you are there as an invited (or begrudgingly accepted) guest.
   
• Don’t post on your child’s timeline. No. Stop. Resist. Desist.
   
• Be a silent witness. Kids reach an age where they are very sensitive to being seen “in public” with you. Nothing is more public to your child than the Internet. Stay hidden. Think carpool. Sit back and listen and learn. Let your child and her friends chatter away as if you weren’t there.
   
• If you must post, be discreet. Remember that anything you post on his timeline will be seen by all of your child’s friends.
   
• Talk with your child about the types of things she is okay with you posting.
   
• Never post a photo of your child on his page without asking permission.
   
• Never post a photo of your child on your page without asking permission.
   
• Don’t use your child’s timeline to post reminders. This is not the place to bug her about flossing her teeth after lunch.
   
• Hold your tongue. On your child’s Facebook you will come across the good, the bad, and the OUTRAGEOUS. If it’s something you can’t overlook, something dangerous or hurtful, bring it up with your child in private at an appropriate time.
   
• Talk with your child about good judgment, online safety, consequences, and consideration.
   
• Google your child by name and screen name. This is a good way to discover what the public can see.
   
• Be the parent. While your child may privilege you with Facebook “friendship,” you are not his “pal.”
   
• Never send a friend request to your child’s friends. Let them ask you.
   
• Don’t comment on your child’s friends’ postings. Your child knows your values and will only get defensive. Unless you feel that a moral or legal line has been crossed, or your child or his friends are targets or perpetrators of bullying, let it go.
   
• Be a role model. Watch what you post on your own Facebook. Your children and their friends may have access to it. Make sure it reflects the values and good judgment you wish for in your children.
   
• Don’t freak out if your child unfriends you. You trust your child to be out on his own in the real world. Just think of Facebook as another environment your child visits where you trust him to stay safe and make good decisions.

Now that we have this all figured out, rest assured that your child has already moved on to a new social media app.

This post first appeared on the Sue Scheff Blog on February 11, 2015.

Adapted from How Rude! by Alex J. Packer, copyright © 2014. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Good Kids Make Good Neighbors

The neighborhood in which you live offers your kids a great opportunity to develop empathy, engage in kind acts, and practice social skills. Whether you reside in a suburban split-level, a condo in an apartment building, a boat in a marina, a chateau in the Dordogne, or a cabin in the woods, there will be people (or forest creatures) your child is likely to see and/or be seen by on a daily basis.

When your child walks by, you want the folks next door to say “There goes a great kid!” instead of “There goes the neighborhood!”

Here’s how to help your kids be “good neighbors”:

Be a role model.   Children do what we do, not what we say. And they are watching! Model the consideration, kindness, and generosity you would like to see in your kids. Don’t gossip or make snarky remarks about neighbors. (You can do that in private with your spouse.) Welcome new families to your building or neighborhood with a gift or invitation to dinner. If your neighbors are going on vacation, offer to take in their mail or feed the parakeet. When you see a neighbor, acknowledge them with a “hello” or a friendly wave. Indulge in small talk when appropriate. Your kids will take your example as a cue for their own behavior.

Teach your children to monitor whether their actions might disturb, annoy, or harm anyone.   I call this sort of mindfulness “in-reach.” It involves looking inside to develop empathy, self-awareness, self-control, and consideration. You’re teaching your child to anticipate how his actions might affect others negatively, and to refrain from such behavior. While the neighbor may have a sense of, and appreciation for, how well-behaved little Johnny-next-door is, it’s also possible she is not consciously aware of the intentionality behind your child’s contribution to the serenity of their environment. Thus, the rewards from “in-reach” may not be externally reinforced by the neighbor. So it is up to parents to value and acknowledge their child’s responsibility and self-monitoring.

Since there are different types of neighbors, neighborhoods, and housing styles, this awareness and restraint can take many forms. For example, if you live in the suburbs, “good neighbor” manners for children to follow would be:

• Don’t walk on a neighbor’s grass or flowerbeds.
   
• Don’t leave your bike, scooter, or skateboard on a neighbor’s property or sidewalk.
   
• Keep pets out of neighbors’ yards.
   
• Make sure a neighbor’s car, house, or koi pond are not at risk from your outdoor activities (e.g., games, rocket launching, drone photography).
   
• Limit noisy activities to day-time hours, i.e., don’t shoot baskets late at night, no matter how much your soul might need such a contemplative, stress-reducing activity. Of course, if a neighbor works nights and sleeps during the day, this might need to be adjusted.

For apartment-dwelling families, children should honor the following rules:

• Don’t leave your toys, sports equipment, or other gear in building corridors.
   
• Don’t run up and down the hallways.
   
• Don’t make noise in public areas.
   
• Be aware of, and refrain from, sound and movement that might be heard in neighboring apartments (e.g., jumping on the floor, throwing a tennis ball against the wall, cranking the music up too loud).
   
• Be mindful of day-time versus sleep-time; i.e., noise is more forgivable at 2:00 PM than at midnight.

When practicing “in-reach,” a child’s restraint and consideration are evidence of her good intentions. It’s what she doesn’t do that takes the prize. Now let’s look at what children can do to build warm and mutually rewarding relationships with neighbors. I call this type of good neighborliness “out-reach.” These are ways your child can connect directly with, and show kindness to, neighbors. While kindness is always appreciated, its expression may need to be tempered by cultural and geographical sensitivity. This way kids will know whether it’s best to bring their neighbor a basket of kale or catfish.

Here are some “good neighbor” tips your kids can use to engage with others and be of service.

Always greet neighbors when you see them.    If you’re at a distance, wave and smile. If you’re within hearing range, say, “Hi, Mrs. Dodge.” Adults should be addressed formally unless and until they tell you to “please call me Jane.”

Address neighbors by “sir” or “ma’am.”    If you’re conversing with a grown-up you should say “Ma’am” or “Sir” (again, unless you’re asked not to). Is this an increasingly archaic and near-extinct custom? Absolutely! And that’s why you should use it. You will stand out for your good manners. This will not only make you feel proud and confident, but bring all sorts of respect and treats your way.

Talk to your neighbors.    Some neighbors may be housebound and/or lonely. The enthusiasm and interest of a young person could really brighten their day. There are few things people like more than a good conversation. Show interest in your neighbor. Ask about her life, job, family, childhood, cats, garden, travel adventures, etc. Your neighbor will be thrilled—people love to talk about themselves!—and you may find a fascinating new friend. Of course, you need to observe the difference between showing interest and being nosy.

Notice a need and fill it.    Your neighbors may range from an 85-year-old woman living on her own, to a young family with seven kids, to, heaven forbid, a frat house full of 100 partying college students. No matter what the circumstances, there are always things you can do to give them a hand, bring a smile, or boost their spirits. Shovel their walkway, cut their grass, or rake their leaves; you’re not doing it for the money, but I bet you’ll be offered some, which you can then refuse and feel even better about yourself! If it’s about to rain and you see a parcel on your neighbor’s lawn, put it on their porch. If you notice your neighbor unloading grocery bags from the car, offer to help. If your neighbor is computer-challenged, figure out and solve his problem.

Apologize and make amends.    If you break a neighbor’s window, or you and your friends kept them up at night with a noisy party, go over and apologize. Do it in person or drop a note under their door. Offer to repair any damage, or bring a peace offering as a gift.

Do something kind.    This doesn’t have to be in response to a need you notice. It can be out-of-the-blue. Play a concert for your neighbor on your guitar. Drop off a book you thought she'd be interested in reading. If you’ve had an especially bountiful harvest, bring your neighbor some tomatoes or zucchini from the garden.

Participate in community service.     Parents should encourage their kids to create or join existing community service projects. This is an area where your example is important. Once kids experience the benefits of giving—and research shows there are many—they will develop a life-long habit of working for the betterment of their community. There are myriad ways families can volunteer their time and/or resources:  participate in toy, clothing, food, and blood drives; support natural disaster responses; work in animal shelters; paint, repair, or build homes; clean up litter; tutor, mentor, or coach; help out in homeless shelters; organize block parties and community events.

Of course, these behaviors and activities need to be modified depending on the child’s age. Very young children may not be capable of doing some of these by themselves. But they can carry the brownies their big brother made and share in the appreciation; they can use their tiny shovel to help Dad clear the neighbor’s driveway; they can go along for the ride when Mom drives Mrs. Dodge to a doctor’s appointment. Older tweens and teens can volunteer on their own as they discover the causes, venues, and activities they find most rewarding.

Yes, it takes a village to raise a child. And there’s nothing a village likes more than pleasant, friendly, helpful kids! As a microcosm of the world at large, your neighborhood contains many of the elements kids will encounter as they grow up and eventually move out on their own. So it’s never too early to use it to nurture a child’s empathy, thoughtfulness, and generosity, and to help develop social awareness, healthy relationships, and a lifelong habit of community service.

Illustration entitled “Florence’s New Neighbors” is gratefully used by permission of Janet McDonnell.

Teen Hugging: The New Handshake

All across the USA and in many parts of the world, today’s teens are hugging as a form of greeting. While hugs have always been a way to express love, friendship, support, and consolation, more and more teenagers use hugs interchangeably with handshakes.

There are many different types of hugs. Loose hugs and tight hugs. Short hugs and long hugs. Half hugs and back-slap hugs. Most teens practice your basic friendly hug: The hugger advances toward the huggee with open arms at which point the huggee reciprocates by opening his or her arms, thus presenting a clear path for final approach. Depending on the length and history of the relationship, the embrace may be brief and light, signifying “Hi, great to see ya,” or longer and squeezier, conveying a more meaningful nonverbal message.

Hugs are a lot like social kisses, except more circular. While they typically occur between people who already know each other, you might hug someone you’ve never met if he or she is a relative, an intimate of your circle of friends, someone you’ve heard a great deal about, or someone you have already gotten to know as an online friend.

Hugs have become gender-neutral. They can occur between girls, boys, or a boy and a girl. You can even have group hugs, sometimes referred to as football huddles.

While most teens welcome hugs, some teens are hug-averse. This could be for any number of reasons. You need to watch for signs suggesting a reluctance to hug and be respectful of the person’s boundaries.

Hugging has, as you might expect, upset many adults and school administrators. Some schools have instituted bans on hugging, envisioning a total breakdown of discipline and decorum if teens are allowed to arm-wrap each other. This has led to protests with rebellious students offering free hugs and chanting, “Hugs not shrugs!”

One principal feared that a greet-and-grab culture could lead to “needless hugging.” This, if unchecked, could cause hug-jams in the hallways, especially between lunch and fifth period. A more enlightened principal chose not to outlaw these snuggly displays of affection but, rather, impose a three-second cuddle curfew. Uncouple one second late, young lady, and it’s off to detention for you! Of course, this meant that all hall monitors had to be armed with stopwatches.

Yes, the wanton and spontaneous expression of warmth threatens the well being of adolescents everywhere. Go down this slippery slope and before you know it, teens will be—sharing pencils! But I think it’s worth the risk and I hereby grant get-out-of-detention-free passes to any teen harassed for hugging.

Adapted from How Rude! by Alex J. Packer, copyright © 2014. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Out of the Mouths of... PARENTS: When Words Hurt

In gathering material for my book, How Rude! The Teen Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, I asked teenagers to list rude things parents say to teens. Here, out of thousands of responses, are some of the most frequently cited hurtful comments:

“How can you be so dumb?”
“You don’t try hard enough.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Don’t you ever think?”

“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“Get out of my sight.”
“How can I ever trust you again?”
“Don’t you care about anyone other than yourself?”

“I can’t wait for you to leave home.”
“I wish I’d never had you.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
“What do you know? You’re just a child.”

“I don’t love you.”

Ouch.

Why do parents say such hurtful things to their kids?

Because parenting is the hardest job on earth. No parent can be perfect 100% of the time and sometimes the stresses of child-rearing and life in general cause moments of thoughtlessness and anger when we say things we regret or don’t mean. Imagine a parent under financial stress who learns that her child has just lost his cell phone, or broken his third pair of glasses in six months? It’s natural to lash out with “How can you be so careless?” or “Are you trying to drive me crazy?!?”

While children bring a bounty of joy, love, and wonder into one’s life, the 24/7 job of raising them can be frustrating, demanding, and full of heartache, leaving parents feeling ignored, attacked, disrespected, and taken-for-granted.

Parents can be plagued with their own worries, pressures, and problems. There may be colleagues, bosses, relatives, or neighbors that parents would love to give a piece of their mind to—but can’t. So the children become targets for those unexpressed feelings.

Parents with tweens and teens may be re-examining their own lives, dreams, relationships, values, and choices at a time when their kids are engaged in a similar process. Opposites attract and likes repel, and in the metallurgy of family dynamics, the feelings and vulnerabilities caused by such parallel introspection and acting out can create conflict. Parents can be jealous of their children’s youth and options. The extent to which parents regret certain choices may be the extent to which they seek to control their kids’ choices. Put this all together and it’s easy to see how 14 + 40 = Bad News.

Why do these phrases hurt kids?

Children look to their parents for love, support, and approval. The thing kids fear most, apart from abandonment, is disappointing their parents. So these phrases, often spoken in fits of anger or frustration, hit kids where they are most vulnerable. I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t communicate disappointment, or use that emotion as a tool for motivating their children to change their behavior. But these phrases convey parental disappointment in a way that censures the entire child. Calling a child dumb, lazy, worthless, unwanted, untrustworthy, or unlovable leaves little room for improvement. But lots of room for feelings of hurt, shame, rejection, and hopelessness.

How can parents minimize saying hurtful things?

Be deliberative. In the midst of a conflict or provocation, count to 10. Or better yet, 1,000. If possible, remove yourself from the situation to give yourself time to think. You can say to your child, “We’ll talk about this later.” Or, “I need to give this some thought.” Or, “I’m very upset and want to calm down before we discuss this.”

Be aware of your own issues. Often, hurtful remarks are a projection of feelings coming from a different, unrelated trigger. The more we realize this, the more we can avoid using children as targets for displaced anger, jealousy, or resentment we wish we could express, but can’t, towards others.

Be kind to yourself. Parents who are hurting or held hostage to negative feelings and forces are more likely to lash out at their kids. This is why it’s important to do something good for yourself every day: go for a walk, talk with a friend, read a book, meditate, enjoy a meal you didn’t have to prepare. Taking care of yourself is a necessary prerequisite to taking care of others. As the flight attendant says, “Put on your own oxygen mask before you help your child.”

Focus on the behavior, not the being. The most hurtful phrases condemn the entire child. The most helpful lead to discussion and negotiation, and offer the child a route for making amends or addressing the consequences of her actions in positive ways. Look at the difference between these parental responses to a child who is cruel to a sibling:

“What a mean, nasty person you are.” With no solution or hopeful path contained in the parent’s comment, where does a child go from here? Probably to a place of guilt, confusion, and/or anger.

But suppose the parent had said, “You’re usually kind and generous, so we need to talk about why you said such mean things to your sister.” This phrase is pregnant with possibility for understanding the sibling relationship, discovering unknown provocations, learning something you didn’t know about one or both children, redressing grievances, making apologies, restoring calm, and helping everyone to feel better.

With understanding, humor, and self-awareness, 14 + 40 doesn’t have to be bad news. It can be a wonderful time in the life of a family.

This post was originally published on the Sue Scheff Blog on January 13, 2015.

The Agony of Thank-You Notes: A Primer for Teens

With the holidays behind us, ‘tis the season for thank-you notes. One reason teens have a hard time writing them is because they start off with the wrong attitude. They think of it as a chore instead of an opportunity. Opportunity? Yes, to make the gift-giver feel wonderful. This is important since people who feel wonderful are more likely to keep giving you gifts.

So, here’s a primer for teens on acknowledging the kind and generous deeds of others.

There are only two ways to receive a gift given in person:

1. with great pleasure

2. with greater pleasure

Response #1 is for gifts you don’t particularly like. It involves a warm smile, a look of delight and surprise, and expressions of gratitude such as:

“Thank you so much.”

“This will look so nice in my room.”

“I’ll sure stay warm in these.”

For gifts you do like, use response #2. Wear an ear-to-ear grin. Let your jaw fall open and your eyes bug out. Remain speechless for a second or two as words fail you. Run around the room a few times. Do cartwheels. Say “I can’t believe it” and “Oh, wow!” over and over while you try to regain control of your conscious mind. Then let loose a torrent of thanks:

“This is S-O-O-O-O fabulous!”

“I’ve wanted one of these forever and ever!”

“This is the greatest present!”

“I’ve never seen one this beautiful in my whole life!”

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

For the grand finale, shower the giver with hugs and kisses (unless it’s, like, your dentist or mother’s boss).

You’ll notice that these responses do more than just show gratitude. They make the person who gave you the present feel like giving you another one. This is a lovely by-product of the proper expression of thanks.

For gifts exchanged in person where you can convey your unbounded delight and gratitude directly to the giver, it is usually not necessary to send a written thank-you note (although doing so will elevate you to the Grateful Youth Hall of Fame).

If you’re not sure whether to write a thank-you note, write one. It’s better to over-thank than under-thank. Written thanks are obligatory for gifts received by mail, delivery, Internet, or Pony Express; gifts brought to an event to be unwrapped later; and gifts in discreetly passed envelopes containing cash (my favorites!). You should also write notes for services rendered, hospitality provided, and kindnesses extended.

While written thanks aren’t required every time a courtesy is provided, they might be in order after a period of time has passed. For example, let’s say a friend’s mother drives you to sports practice twice a week for an entire school year. Your verbal thanks each time are sufficient. But if you send her a note in June to recognize the cumulative value of her chauffeuring services, she’ll think you’re the greatest. The same goes for a teacher who has meant a lot to you over the year.

Here are some tips for writing terrific thank-you notes:

Write immediately. Thank-you notes get exponentially more difficult to write with each day that passes. By the second day, they are four times harder to write. By the third day, they are nine times harder, and if you wait 12 days, they are 144 times harder to write!

Write by hand. Use personal stationery or attractive cards (the ones that are blank inside). However, if your handwriting is atrocious, it’s better to send a laser-printed, personally signed letter than none at all.

Consider alternative forms of communication. I know that the thought of a hand-written note makes some teens break out in a cold sweat. So, despite the fact that writing by hand carries on a centuries-old tradition as the sine qua non (look it up) of thank yous, today’s nifty digital world presents grateful teens with other acceptable methods for conveying thanks (no point denying the march of technology):

•   Send a warm and thoughtful text message.
   
•   Send a warm and thoughtful email.
   
•   Send a warm and thoughtful private message.
   
•   Send a digital thank you from one of those websites with animated cards. Be sure to  
    include a personal note.  

Never begin with “Thank you for . . . .” Start with some news, a recollection of the event or visit, a reaffirmation of your friendship, or other charming chitchat.

Always mention the gift by name. If I give somebody a wedding present and get a letter back that simply thanks me for my “wonderful and generous gift,” I know it’s a form letter they cranked out. Even if it’s handwritten. Make the effort to refer to the gift in some way:

“All my friends are jealous of my new talking sneakers.”

“You must have read my mind to know I wanted a garlic press.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled with my Chia pet.”

Always mention special moments. If the gift was one of hospitality, you must send a note, even if you thanked your hosts during the visit. When you write, don’t just say “Thanks for letting me stay with you.” Mention the places they took you to, the memories you’ll always cherish. Let your hosts know what made the visit so special: falling into the river, being eaten alive by mosquitoes, your selfie with Mickey Mouse. Then, and only then, thank them for their thoughtfulness and generosity. You’ll make a fine impression, bring smiles to their faces, and guarantee that you’ll have a standing invitation to return.

Tell how you’re going to spend the money. If someone gives you the big green, mention what you plan to do with it. If you have no idea, make something up:

“I’m planning to buy some guitar strings that I’ve been wanting for ages.”

“I’m saving for a car, and this gives me a real boost.”

Don’t spoil your thanks with a bummer. Not every gift will be to your liking. Sometimes this is nobody’s fault. Avoid saying things that let gift-givers know their efforts were unappreciated or pointless:

“I lost it the first time I took it to school.”

“It hit a tree and broke.”

“I got hives so my mom made me throw it out.”

Well, that just about covers it. If these tips have been helpful, I await your thank you notes!

Adapted from How Rude! by Alex J. Packer, copyright © 2014. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 800-735-7323; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Boy Do I Need a Drink: Alcohol, Kids, and Mixed Messages

Surrounded by the warm spirits of the holidays—liquid and otherwise—it’s a good time to consider how parents can best ensure that their kids will develop healthy and safe attitudes and behaviors with regard to alcohol and other drug use.

Children do what we do, not what we say. Kids learn by watching, imitating, and then practicing what they’ve observed. They internalize values and behaviors from the media, the Internet, peers, siblings, and especially parents. What makes modeling such a powerful avenue of learning is that often it takes place without the role model or child being aware of it. This is its strength—and downfall.

Research shows that kids are most likely to imitate the behavior of warm and nurturing models, which is why parents are positioned to be the child’s most powerful role models, and why, if parents are not nurturing or available, kids will turn to other adults, social media, peers, gangs, or celebrities for social and behavioral cues.

As role models, parents have to ask: What messages are we giving to our kids? Is alcohol a part of every social event our children see? If there is drinking in the house, is it moderate? Is it a supplement to social conviviality, or the main event? Do we come home from a hard day at work and say, “Boy, do I need a drink,” and create a connection in our child’s mind between alcohol and dealing with stress?

It’s never too early to start talking with kids about alcohol and other drugs. With young kids, parents need to point out harmful substances or items that the child may not touch, and explain how medicines work. Talks such as these begin to establish in the child’s mind the concept of “good” drugs/substances, misused drugs/substances, and harmful drugs/substances. By age six, children should understand:

• what drugs and medicines are
• how foods, medicines, poisons, and illegal drugs differ
• why taking the wrong substance or too much of it can hurt you
• family alcohol and other drug rules
• basic refusal skills
• which adults to trust and go to for questions or in an emergency.

A good way of getting into discussions with older kids is to bring up stories in the news. For example, in this past year, ex-Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s antics, Colorado’s legalization of marijuana, and Justin Bieber’s alcohol- and other drug-related behaviors could have all stimulated interesting exchanges. Another approach is to pose non-judgmental, open-ended questions such as:

• What makes a drug good or bad?
• Which is worse, physical or psychological addiction?
• Should sports figures endorse alcoholic beverages?
• Do you think most parents are clueless when it comes to kids and alcohol and other drug use?
• Is it okay for teenagers to try alcohol and other drugs?
• Is there anyone whose use you worry about?
• Can you imagine a circumstance in which YOU could get into trouble with alcohol or other drugs?
• If you had a friend in trouble with drugs, what would you do?

These conversations need to be ongoing—not just “The Talk”—because decisions about use are ongoing. Drug education is similar to sex education in that kids absorb it according to their social, emotional, cognitive, and physical maturity. As children encounter new people, situations, temptations, and aspects of themselves, they revisit their values, priorities, and choices. Information must be repeated and re-discussed as it becomes more relevant to the child’s stage of development, social context, and actual or potential behavior.

Data source: Prevention WINS blog; 2008 Healthy Youth Survey of students grades 6-12 attending Eckstein Middle School, Roosevelt High School, and Nathan Hale High School in Washington state.

Parents should talk with middle school children about:

• why people use and/or abuse alcohol and other drugs
• differences between use, abuse, and addiction (physical and psychological)
• short- and long-term effects of alcohol and other drug use, especially for young people whose bodies, minds, and social skills are still developing
• relationships between use and self-esteem, positive values, and personal achievement.

With high schoolers, parents should revisit earlier topics, while also including:

• risk factors for abuse and addiction
• consequences of use on social, emotional, intellectual, and physical development
• media and cultural messages that promote use
• teens’ false normative beliefs that overestimate use by their peers
• ramifications of use for family relationships, personal values, and identity development
• when, where, and how to intervene and/or seek help for themselves or a friend.

Such discussions occur within the context of the home environment, and research has identified a number of factors that affect adolescent use of alcohol in positive or negative ways. Studies suggest that children are less likely to abuse substances or grow up to have drinking problems in families where:

• parents are nurturing and democratic
• family rituals are maintained (e.g., eating together, celebrations, vacations)
• parents model moderation if they do drink
• drinking is presented in morally neutral terms
• drunkenness is not viewed as a humorous condition
• family members are neither pressured to drink nor singled out for choosing not to
• policies for drinking are understood and agreed to by all family members
• drinking is not viewed as an activity for its own sake. 

Similarly, research suggests another set of factors that increase the likelihood that children will become problem drinkers:

• parents employ authoritarian, permissive, or inconsistent child-rearing methods
• parents convey mixed messages regarding acceptable drinking practices
• parents and children have distant or strained relationships
• family rituals have broken down
• parent-child communication is poor.

If this sounds like a heavy load, it is, with parents expected to act as positive role models, substance abuse prevention specialists, drug educators, counselors, media literacy experts, cheerleaders, disciplinarians, and security blankets all rolled into one wise, tolerant, beneficent, patient, and tireless being. Fortunately, substance abuse prevention is one area where parents can draw upon school and community resources by:

• supporting, and if necessary, funding a comprehensive prevention program in their child’s school
• forming a parents prevention committee to sponsor parent education workshops, create parent prevention handbooks, or develop safe home agreements
• creating a “solidarity network” of parents who agree to take the same stand in relation to substance use, parties, and checking up on their kids’ whereabouts
• building telephone/email/text chains for communication
• organizing alcohol- and other drug-free parties and activities for kids.

Well, nobody said child-rearing would be easy. If this all seems overwhelming, maybe you need a drink. Ooops. Forget I said that.