How Rude! Survey: Parents Rate Their Kids' Manners

Just look at how pleased most parents were when I asked them how they feel about their kids’ manners. Ninety percent (90%) are either satisfied or very satisfied! That means all those rude kids belong to other parents.

Here are some parents reflecting on their children’s behavior:

“While there is room for improvement, I believe that my daughter genuinely cares that she not hurt people.”

“My children are generally thoughtful and considerate of others.”

“Their everyday behavior at home and in public is fine. We’re proud of them.”

 “My son is totally lacking in social awareness, but is inherently good-natured (except when he gets upset).”

“My children very seldom engage in behaviors that offend people in public. However, they have a lot to learn about good manners, such as expressing appreciation and praise.”

“We have spent lots of energy teaching and role modeling, but they just don’t get it. I sometimes question whether or not I expect too much when I see how other families deal with the same situations.”

“I feel my children are respectful and considerate of others. I know they are well-liked, and I can rest easy knowing that when they are with others they will do the ‘right’ thing, such as pick up after themselves, offer to help with dishes or clean up, etc.”

“Once in a while, they have to be reminded, but I guess we all do at times.”

“Most of the time, my kids are great!”

Holiday Kindness: "So Be Good for Goodness Sake!"

Ahhhh, the long-awaited holiday season! What’s not to love?

Long lines. Crowded stores. Stampeding shoppers.

Parking lot slugfests. Tedious office parties. Overbooked flights.

Obnoxious uncles. Alcoholic in-laws. Grandpa’s fourth wife.

People who don’t RSVP. Guests who don’t leave. Kids who don’t say thank you.

Gaining back in a week the 10 pounds you took all year to lose.

And let’s not forget your college classmate’s annual “Dear Friends” newsletter telling you all about the family ski trip to Gstaad, Ted’s raise, Lorraine’s making partner, Ted junior’s acceptance at Harvard, and little Lucy’s first-prize ribbon in dressage—“She has such a gift with horses!”  

All capped off by New Year’s to remind you of the passing of another year of failed dreams, dashed hopes, and financial disaster.  

Well, enough of this good cheer. The holidays can also be a time of depression, exhaustion, conflict, and stress.

First line of defense? Good manners, of course. But you knew I’d say that. I’m the manners guy. The rough edges of relatives and rudeness can be smoothed by a bit of tolerance and consideration, perspective and patience. So I could write about chewing with your mouth closed and keeping elbows off the table; about shaking hands and taking coats; sharing treats and saying “please”; showing thanks and offering to help; greeting guests and PUTTING AWAY YOUR PHONE!

But I won’t. Instead, I want to talk about kindness. Why kindness? Because being kind makes you feel good. And it makes the recipient of your kindness feel good as well. And that makes him or her more likely to behave kindly in turn. Isn’t that what we really want at this time of year?

During the holidays, we up the ante in doing things to make our kids happy. We give them treats, take them on special outings, cook their favorite foods, and buy them presents. It’s part of the joy of the holiday season. But we can make our kids even happier by encouraging them to be givers of goodness, and not just receivers.

A growing body of research demonstrates the contagious and positive impact of behaving in kind and generous ways. In an experiment published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers James Fowler of UCSD and Nicholas Christakis of Harvard University devised a game to examine how behaviors spread through social communities. They divided participants into groups of four, giving each person 20 credits. Players, in secret, could either keep the credits for themselves, or give a portion (or all) to a common fund. At the conclusion of the game, the fund would be augmented by 40%, with the proceeds divided equally and returned to the participants. Mathematically, the best return would be achieved if everyone gave away all their money, since players would reap their original 20 credits plus the 40% bonus.  Without knowing how much others were contributing to the common fund, however, the best financial strategy would be to hold on to your own 20 credits, and then benefit from the generosity of your fellow players when the common fund gets distributed.

At the conclusion of each game, participants learned anonymously how others in their group behaved. Players were then assigned to new groups to play the game again. The researchers found that generosity begat generosity. Meticulously tracing each player’s behavior to see how it influenced group members in subsequent games, the study showed a cause and effect result: One person’s largess triggered greater generosity in those with whom they played. In fact, acts of giving tripled over the course of the study.

In another study, called Kindness Counts, several hundred 9-11-year-olds in British Columbia were randomly asked to either perform three acts of kindness of their own choosing per week for four weeks, or to visit any three places they wished per week over the same period (e.g., “shopping centre,” “baseball diamond,” “grandma’s house”).  Acts of kindness included such behaviors as “gave my mom a hug when she was stressed by her job,” “gave someone some of my lunch,” and “vacuumed the floor.” Students kept a record of their journeys or kind acts.

Consistent with adult populations, children in both groups reported greater feelings of happiness and well-being at the end of the experiment. But the kids who committed acts of kindness experienced a bonus—they became significantly more popular than did their classmates who just visited places. These and other studies suggest that doing good for others can trigger a cascading cycle of benefits for kids, families, classroom, and school communities. The benefits can travel across many degrees of separation, influencing total strangers in distant locations.

Here's how it works: Kids who behave kindly experience increased happiness. Happy kids are more likely to engage in further acts of kindness, leading to greater peer acceptance and satisfying friendships. Well-liked kids are less likely to be bullied, and more likely to perform well academically and be emotionally well-adjusted. Thus, happiness, popularity, and kindness have a reciprocal, reinforcing effect on each other. And, as other children experience this sphere of goodness, their feelings of well-being are likely to increase, motivating them towards increased prosocial behaviors, and greater peer acceptance. This can have a powerful, positive impact on classroom climate as research suggests that the average mental health of students in classrooms with an even distribution of popularity is higher than in stratified classrooms with extremes of favored children and marginalized children.

These and similar findings suggest that  one of the best ways to thrive during the holidays—to avoid conflict, hurt feelings, resentment, and exhaustion—is to focus your family and/or classroom on a kindness crusade.

Here’s how. Gather everyone together. Explain that the holidays can be a busy and stressful time with crowds, deadlines, pressures, and expectations; things you want to do, things you don’t want to do; people you want to see, people you don’t want to see. And that this can lead to fights, slights, tears, and trauma.

Therefore—drum roll, please—we are going to have a Family/Classroom Kindness Campaign. Every day from now until January 1, each of us (adults, too) will:

1.      Perform an act of kindness for someone else

2.      Perform an act of kindness for ourselves

3.      Think of one thing we’re grateful for.

Everyone should be able to come up with examples of kindness, e.g., visiting a sick friend, giving someone your seat on a bus, holding a door, consoling a sibling, making a present, etc. (Anonymous acts of kindness, and volunteering as a family count, too.) The idea of being kind to oneself may require a little discussion. When you’re focused on others—a hallmark of the holidays—it’s easy to forget your own needs. Self-kindness isn’t selfishness; it’s taking care of yourself so you have the energy and emotional well-being to take care of others. It means doing something that makes you feel happy, entertained, relaxed, comforted, or fulfilled: taking a nap or bubble bath, going for a nature hike, reading a book, eating a nice meal out, etc.

Students, teachers, and family members should record and share their kind acts and grateful feelings. This can be done at mealtimes, or during class. It can be done daily or every few days depending on your sense of the best frequency for keeping the campaign alive without overdoing it. The idea is to reinforce the process by identifying acts of kindness, revealing the recipients’ delight or other positive consequences, and talking about the feelings of pride, purpose, connection, gratitude, and/or joy that ensued.

You can explain to any groaners, cynics, or eyeball rollers that behaving kindly will not only make them feel good, it will improve the behavior of those ingrates, slobs, narcissists, and pesky siblings who surround them. It’s scientifically proven! In fact, many social scientists believe that kindness, empathy, laughter, generosity, cooperation, gratitude, and self-sacrifice play a critical role in evolution. Indeed, while “survival of the fittest” makes us think of aggression, strength, competition, and dominance, Darwin believed that the caring emotions associated with human goodness were just as vital to perpetuating the species.

At the end of the Kindness Campaign, you can decide whether it has the momentum and buy-in to continue beyond January 1, or is best tucked away, like Grandma’s fancy tablecloth, until next year’s holiday season.

Well, I’m going to have to sign off. It’s a busy time for the Manners Guru to the Youth of America and I see somebody texting at the table. So many smartphones. So little time….

How Rude! Teen Survey: Dying of Embarrassment!

Remember being embarrassed by a teacher? I do…

It was in 10th-grade math class. I tried to cultivate an aura of invisibility so I wouldn’t get called on, but it didn’t always work. One day I was assigned a problem at the blackboard (that ancient precursor to whiteboards). I struggled through it and stood like a flagpole at the front of the class. Dead silence. Then a fusillade of chalk ricocheted around the room. (Throwing chalk was this teacher’s trademark.) The teacher launched into a tirade against stupidity—mine for the mistake I made, and the class’s for not detecting it.

Amidst the teachers we adored, there were other teachers who, intentionally or not, made us feel afraid and humiliated. To gather information for the “School Rules” chapter in How Rude!, I asked teens:

Has a teacher ever embarrassed you in front of your peers?

The majority of students (57%) responded “yes.” So I asked them:

What did your teacher do?

“Announced my failing test grade to the whole class.”

“Said I was irresponsible and undeserving.”

“Held me up as an example of what not to do.”

“Called me out when I got an answer wrong.”

“Called me out for doing well on a test everyone else failed.”

“Told me to get out of the room because I didn't understand the topic and was delaying the learning process.”

“Continually ridiculed me about my Italian heritage.”

“Patted me on the head condescendingly and told me that I was ‘in another world’ when I forgot to read instructions on the board.”

“Called me a liar.”

“Called me an idiot in front of everyone, and I went home and cried.”

“Told me she was shocked I ever made it all the way to grade 12 math.”

“Claimed that all black people were English Language Learners (since black people spoke Ebonics!).”

“Made a fat joke about me to a teacher behind me while I was receiving an award on stage.”

“Commented on my clothing (skirt with sneakers) and said I could never go to private school looking like that, or be a debutante. (The fact that I don't want to be a debutante was irrelevant as was the fact that I had gone to private middle school, but the fact that he commented on my nice outfit in such a way was not appreciated.)”

“How about the teacher who wouldn't believe I didn't know my ethnicity? We had to choose a country of origin for an essay. I only know I have Spanish and Mexican for sure (I know there's a lot more but I don't know what exactly). Those two countries were taken but she continued to argue with me until I basically had to lie and choose Puerto Rican!”

“I didn't understand a topic in algebra, so I was asking a lot of questions. My teacher told me to stop asking so many questions because all my questions were garbage.”

“One time, we got these ‘who's most likely to -blank- in my class,’ and somebody wrote for me ‘most likely to pick oranges’ because I'm Hispanic. The teacher gave me a certificate that said ‘most likely to pick oranges’ in front of the class, much to their amusement. I confronted her about it, and she said she had no idea it was a racial thing. How could nobody pick that up?”

“My teacher thought I was cheating on a test (I wasn't) and came over and slammed her hand on my desk really hard and yelled at me and took my test and my calculator and my face got really red.”

“I told my geometry teacher that I wanted to go to Harvard and he told every class period that whole week. That disappointed me and I did poorly in his class.”

NEVER! Land: 15 Table Manner Taboos

From eating with fingers to holding forks in a fist, the list of etiquette violations one can commit at the table is virtually endless. So let’s zero in on 15 faux-pas decorous diners should avoid.

People with good table manners…

…Never text at the table.
Ask people if they have a significant other and they pull out their smartphone. Despite these bonds of affection, it is rude to elevate an electronic gadget to the status of a dinner guest. Keep your phone out of sight. If you are expecting and must take an important call, let your companions know in advance. Rudeness foretold and apologized for morphs into courtesy. Put your phone on vibrate. And if your call comes in, your thigh will get a thrill and you can discreetly excuse yourself to take the call.

…Never start eating before the host.
Nothing is more basic to good manners than waiting for your host to be seated before you chew the chow. He or she has either toiled all day to prepare the meal; forked out a fistful of cash to a caterer; been a nervous wreck getting everything ready; or all of the above.  This deserves respect. Some hosts will exhort guests to go ahead and start before everything gets cold. In such a case you may begin, but do so very slowly so that you won’t be ready for dessert just as your host sits down for her first mouthful.

…Never play with food.
While it is tempting to create mashed potato dams or catapult the cauliflower across the table, you must resist the urge. Food should rest serenely upon your plate until it is ready for the solemn journey into your mouth.

…Never complain about the food.
With the exception of two-year-olds flinging oatmeal across the room in disgust, it is never appropriate to disparage vittles set before you. If it’s simply not your favorite, try to eat as much as you can. If you truly can’t stomach the thought of eating it, engage in covert food rearrangement so as to reduce the surface area of the detestable comestible. This will fool casual observers into thinking you have been eating.

…Never take more than their fair share from a platter making the rounds.
Communal dining often involves the passing of platters full of food. Be mindful of the number of persons who will be serving themselves after you. Make a quick calculation by putting yourself (#1) in the numerator, and the number of people remaining to be served in the denominator. So, if you and three other people still need to take portions, the resulting fraction would be ¼, which is the proportion of food you are allowed to take. (And who said math wasn’t useful!)

…Never hijack a platter on the way to someone else.
A platter on the move isn’t a football pass. You can’t intercept it if it’s heading towards another receiver. Wait until that person has finished serving himself, and then put in your own request for the tray.

…Never ask for seconds.
Unless you’re dining informally with people you know well (such as family), it’s risky and therefore impolite to ask for seconds. This is because your host may wish to hurry the meal along, hoard leftovers, or avoid letting on that she’s run out of food. Better to wait until you are offered seconds, and then you’ll need to make a quick decision as to whether others are likely to join you, or you will be the sole person holding up the progression of the meal while everyone watches you eat.

…Never perform a PDA with the table.
It is inappropriate to engage in a physical relationship with the table. Do not lean on it, rest your head in your hands on it, poke it with your elbows, or otherwise comingle your body with its surface.  The only permissible contact, unless you faint onto your falafel, is the light resting of forearms along its edge.

…Never dunk, sop, or spit.
Pleasurable as these activities can be in the right context, it is improper to dunk the donut, sop up the sauce, or spit out the seed in a formal dining setting.

…Never belch, smack their lips or chew with their mouth open.
While expressions of appreciation can vary from culture to culture, in the United States it is never proper to compliment the cook by smacking one’s lips or belching. Similarly, chewing with one’s mouth open is not considered an acceptable form of gratitude; it is considered disgusting.

…Never blow on their food.
Unless your burrito bursts into flame, it is improper to blow on food to cool it. If it is too hot, let it cool while you dazzle your dining companions with brilliant commentary on world events.

…Never tuck their napkin under their chin.
It is assumed that your maturity and motor control are sufficient to keep you from dropping food onto your upper person. Bibs—and that’s what a napkin under your chin should be called—are for children under three and people willing to feel silly while eating lobster if it will protect their clothes from dribbles of melted butter.

…Never use their napkin as a handkerchief.
While emptying one’s nasal passages into a napkin may provide relief for the nose-blower, it will create acute discomfort for everyone else at the table who must now spend the rest of the meal picturing the coagulating mucus in your cloth.

…Never redip the bitten ends of veggies or chips into the communal bowl.
In today’s Purell world, people are sensitive to the spread of germs and do not wish to see teeth marks and saliva dive-bombing into the guacamole. Nothing spoils a party like someone yelling “EBOLA ALERT!! Desmond re-dipped his Dorito!”

…Never play footsie under the table unless they’re 100% certain to whom the feet belong.
Enough said.

How Rude! Teacher Survey: Today's Kids: Polite or Not?

I don’t want to tell tales out of school, but 73% of the teachers I surveyed believe that students today are less polite than when the teachers were themselves students. A similar proportion of teachers (71%), also say that today’s ADULTS are less polite.

These results are in line with the attitudes of parents I surveyed—see blog post of October 18, 2014—with 75% of parents saying that children today are less polite than were children when the parents themselves were growing up.

I asked these teachers, counselors, and school administrators what they see as the causes of this perceived decrease in polite behavior.

Many cite a general decline in cultural standards.

“Society has become more accepting of rudeness.”

“Relaxed rules seem to lead to more casual behavior.”

“Less emphasis on moral character. Less involvement with religious services.”

“Not only is less emphasis put on behaving politely, our culture has turned bad manners into entertainment.”

“Children are not corrected when rude anymore, so they are not aware of their rudeness.”

“A cultural emphasis on individuality lessens the ability to see the viewpoint of others and have empathy.”

“Children expect to be ‘catered’ to. It is concerning.”

Other teachers lay the blame at the parents’ doorstep.

“Parents don't teach manners anymore.”

“They are less inclined to punish children for fear of ‘stifling their growth.’”

“They feel too overwhelmed to deal with discipline.”

“They want to be their children’s friends and not their parents.”

“I think a lot depends on the family's expectations and the examples they set. I teach middle school and the kids vary from extremely well-mannered to quite rude. They all attend the same school in the same neighborhood, leading me to think the parents' expectations have a great effect.”

“Children are less polite because they are allowed to be so.”

“They are not told to respect their elders as parents did in the past.”

“Parental involvement is lacking where I work. Many use the TV as a babysitter and spend little time talking to or teaching their children.”

“Good manners for children should be near the top of every parent’s to-do list.”

And, of course, media and technology come in for their fair share of blame.

“Everyone is moving faster now.”

“The increased use of online conversations desensitizes kids into thinking that there really isn’t a person on the other end, thereby conditioning them to act inappropriately when a person is truly present.”

“Less face-to-face interaction.”

“Too much time on hand-held devices. People need to look up and make REAL connections.”

“I blame reality TV shows.”

“Poor role models on television and in music.”

“Children see more vulgarity, violence, and rude behavior in the media.”

“Influences of technology—people being glued to games, smart phones, digital conversations, etc., and not knowing/caring how to interact with real people.”

“Students have trouble focusing on conversation and instead focus on their phones. They think that being blunt or rude is acceptable since they are honest.”

“I felt that I was very polite when I was a student, but that could have been my perception. Perhaps I was just as distracted with note writing as the students today are with electronics.”

Many of the educators who responded to the survey offered thoughtful analyses of the reasons they believe students today are less polite than when they were growing up.

“Students feel entitled. They believe that respect needs to be earned no matter who you are. As a teacher that means we need to earn the respect of students.”

“Respect for adults is less than when I was a kid. Students will say and do things to an adult authority figure that my classmates or I would have never dreamed of doing or saying.”

“We have been so concerned about harming students' self-esteem that we haven't taught them proper manners.”

“There’s less focus on honing interpersonal skills both in the home and at school.”

“Parents are always ‘jumping in’ to ‘rescue’ their children when another adult, such as a teacher, reports a problem.”

“This generation of students suffers from entitlement as their “latch-key” parents overcompensate for the lack of care they received as children. This is, after all, the generation where everyone receives a trophy or award simply for participating!”

“Too many teachers try to be cool, to be friends with students. Students get mixed signals when this happens.”

“Working in a school system as well as an Out of School Time program, I see the vast difference between behavior and manners in children. In the traditional school system, children challenge authority to save face in front of their peers. In an OST setting, it is much more relaxed and children don't feel the pressure to misbehave/challenge authority. I truly believe it's because of the way we set up structures within our programs.”

Of course, in focusing on the problem it’s easy to overlook the many polite, respectful, and compassionate students that do their parents and teachers proud.

“I think it is a myth that students have become less polite over the years.”

“The majority of students I work with are, for the most part, very polite—more so than way back in my school days.”

“I work with kids all the time and I find they are considerate and respectful.”

"I'm always really struck when I meet a polite child! It's great!”

The message from these educators is that polite students don’t happen by accident. They are the result of parents who value and teach good manners. And this can be reinforced by school communities that, in the words of one teacher, “…place great value upon caring for each other and being sensitive and aware of other people's feelings, perspectives and needs.”

I followed up this question by asking teachers where they think teens are most likely to learn good and bad manners. Not surprisingly, parents are cited as the strongest influence for learning good manners, followed by friends and teachers. When it comes to where teens learn bad manners, friends are cited as the biggest culprit, closely followed by parents and media.

Numbers represent percentage.

Numbers represent percentage.

How Rude! Parent Survey: Today’s Kids: Polite or Not?

Wow. Seventy-five percent of the parents I surveyed believe that kids today are less polite than when the parents themselves were growing up. Not surprisingly, 74% of the parents also say that today’s ADULTS are less polite than were adults a generation ago.

Could there be a correlation between today’s ruder adults and ruder children? According to the parents I surveyed—absolutely! Here’s what they said when I asked, “Why do you think today’s children are less polite?”

“Children mimic what they observe.”

“Parents on cell phones = kids texting at the table.”

“Parents have become lazy in teaching their children appropriate behavior.”

“Manners are not stressed in the home or reinforced in school.”

“A lot of parents would rather be their child’s friend than their parent. Consequently, kids get mixed signals about how they are supposed to behave with adults.”

“Kids are not being taught by parents what is polite or not. Parents seem to think someone else will teach their kids everything they need to know.”

“We have lost many formalities that we used to have, which morphs into a less polite and respectful environment. For example, children call their teachers and friends' parents by their first names, rather than Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Miss, which leads to a more familiar feeling with all adults, even those they don't know.”

 Many parents who believe children are less polite today blamed the media.

“TV glorifies sarcasm and does not show children in respectful relationships with adults.”

“Dramatic increase in disrespectful and "snarky" behavior on TV shows, whether sitcom, drama, reality TV, etc.”

“Children today see so many public figures, such as sports stars, actors, and politicians behaving rudely that they think bad manners are fashionable.”

“Children seem to feel entitled to express themselves without regard to others. Free country, true, but not to where others are inconvenienced or are made to feel afraid.”

Parents also blamed technology and social media.

“We have had a breakdown in face-to-face communication. We only correspond in short slang and abbreviated messages. Not many people take the time to write handwritten, heartfelt messages anymore.”

“Parents are not paying attention to their children. They are on their tech gadgets when they should be in the moment with their children. Children are following their parents’ example.”

“Sometimes kids don't even acknowledge adults when they are spoken to. Technology has buffered their reality. When playing games, talking, or texting on their personal devices, they don't seem to exist in the universe.”

And finally, this parent explains how everything is responsible for the decline in children’s manners.

“We have spoiled kids with access to material things, especially things which do not require them to use their imaginations. We don't give them enough responsibility, we make too many decisions for them, and we do not communicate high enough expectations. Their diets have too much sugar and food with little nutritional value. Media and advertising have all but destroyed the possibility of a childhood without seeing aggressive behavior, sex and violence; and have also created a culture of consumerism.”

I also asked teachers: "Do you think STUDENTS today are more polite, less polite, or the same as when you were growing up?" I'll tell you what they said in the next episode of "The How Rude! Surveys."

"You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello"

Dear Dr. Packer,

I have a question about textiquette and would appreciate your input. Personally, I don't like receiving emails with no greeting (e.g., "Hi Erica") and/or no closure (e.g., "warmly, Mo"). It makes me feel like the sender regards me as a robot or automated response center. The people who send them feel it is justified since composing on a smartphone is tedious, and they are counting key strokes. My position is deficient technology does not justify deficient manners, but I seem to be in the minority on this. Could you be so kind as to weigh in on this one?

Sincerely,

Erica B.

Dear Erica,

When two human beings engage in a social exchange, it is customary and polite to inaugurate the encounter with a greeting, and conclude it with a farewell. Depending on the nature of the exchange and the ages and relationship of the individuals, these can take many forms: hi, hello, hey, and yo; “Nice to see you”; “How are you?” “Enchantée”; waving, hugging, bowing, kissing, hand-shaking; “Dear Jane”; “Hi Becky!” “Fondly”; XOXOXO.

We don’t accost strangers with “What time is it?” or “Can you change a dollar?” We initiate the conversation by saying, “Excuse me, sir,” or “I beg your pardon.” Similarly, one should never send an email or text to someone one doesn't know or communicates with infrequently without including a greeting and closing.

The essential ingredient here is an acknowledgement of the connecting of two human beings. It makes no difference whether the connection is written, verbal, or digital; whether it occurs by running into a friend on the sidewalk, writing a letter, making a phone call, or sending an email or text.

The apologists for omitting salutations and closings from electronic communications argue that the communiqué itself has an implied greeting (the “To”), and implied closing (the “From”). These minimalists rationalize that emails and text messages are like memos; that a phone number or email address somehow fulfills the protocol of acknowledging the humanity of another person when launching into, and concluding, a communication.

Well, I’m sorry. Seeing my own email address in a box saying “To” at the top of a communication doesn’t make me feel warmly or respectfully greeted. I much prefer “Dear Alex”; “Kind Sir”; “Sweetheart”; or “Hi, Gorgeous!” Then we can get down to the business of your communication.

That said, good manners allow for variation and improvisation based on context and nuance. Accordingly, here are certain exceptions to the basic rule:

The ongoing conversation. Once an email or text conversation goes beyond the first complete exchange between the two parties, it is not necessary to continue with salutations and farewells. This is analogous to an in-person conversation where, after initial mutual expressions of warmth, respect, and/or delight, the back and forth continues unfettered. As with a live conversation, once the exchange has concluded, new greetings and closings should be extended when the parties next resume contact.

The ongoing relationship. When two people—spouses, partners, best friends—are in a close relationship, there is constant emotional or spiritual connection that transcends proximity. I would rule favorably if asked to permit continuing communications between close friends and intimate partners without the protocol of greetings and closings. For example, if a husband texts his wife—How’d the meeting go?—it is self-evident that the question, in and of itself, is an expression of interest, empathy, concern, and/or affection. It is unnecessary to type “Dearest Jane” and “Love, Bill,” although the message may contain pet names, emoji, and code words that create the emotional linkage that might, in more formal communications, result from a greeting and closing.

Work communications. Work environments come with their own protocols for electronic communications, and it is wise and reasonable to follow them. There are so many subsets of functions and relationships in a place of work—supervisor/employee; partners; co-workers who are friends; people with whom you have infrequent contact (e.g., tech support, human resources)—that it is difficult to anticipate and set rules for every encounter. But, in general, coworkers in constant electronic communication should be able to drop greetings and closings without offending anyone. Colleagues, or bosses and staff may consider the start of each work day as the resumption of the previous day’s conversation, therefore allowing them to dispense with “the niceties."

Still... why are so many people looking for etiquette loopholes that allow them to kiss "the niceties" goodbye? The essence of good manners is making others feel comfortable, respected, and appreciated. And if a "Dear Juan" or "Warm regards" or "Hope you had a nice weekend" can add to the planet's Kindness Quotient, why wouldn't we all want to do that? Is it really that much effort to type "Hi" or "Best"? Is our time really that precious that we can't take 1.94 seconds (1.31 if you're really handy with your thumbs), to "err" on the side of politeness?

Just "Desserts"

Dear Dr. Packer,

I wanted to share with you a story your book “How Rude” inspired.

I was teaching a combined 6-7-8th grade class at a Catholic school in Illinois. I noticed that the kids did not know or were not using just plain common courtesies in dealing with friends or teachers. I designed a unit around your book “How Rude.” It took a little encouraging passing it by the principal but she agreed. At first the kids balked and the usual grumblings occurred but as we got further into it, something changed. They looked forward to Fridays for a whole new reason. I also heard from parents that the kids were actually practicing their manners at home... sometimes correcting their parents!

My 8th graders were planning their banquet and were attending a play as well as dinner. I stressed the importance of their behavior in such a grown up setting and they didn’t let me down.

I was seated with several other teachers as well as the principal at one table and the students (all 10 of them) were at another table. To our surprise, each of the boys held the chairs out for the girls, rose when they left, put napkins on their lap, and conducted themselves in an adult like manner.

Our stamp of approval came from an older couple also having dinner. The waitress came and said that an anonymous older couple wished to buy the children dessert because they have never seen children their age conduct themselves so well in a formal situation. The grin on my face couldn’t have been any bigger, I also had to fight back the tears of pride I felt for these kids. I also received a nod and a raised eyebrow of approval from the principal. I went over to tell the kids and they were so excited.

As I sat with the teachers we were surprised as the waitress came out with the largest Banana Splits I have ever seen. Now, to the kids that was proof that good manners do pay. To me it was the pat on the back that I did the right thing. To you I hope you take it that you have touched the lives of several young kids in Illinois.

Sincerely,

Wendy

Dear Wendy,

What a sweet story—all 10,000 calories of it! Thank you for your kindness in telling me. It’s now my turn to have a big grin on my face after hearing about your initiative and the wonderful results it produced. There’s simply no question that good manners will bring good things to kids—positive relationships, respect, opportunity, self-confidence, and gooey desserts!

Sincerely,

Alex Packer

The Boy Who Cried Late

Dear Alex,

My boyfriend is always late. And worse than that, he makes up these excuses for why he’s late that I know aren’t true. What should I do?

Punctual Polly

Dear Polly,

Some people are chronically late. Like they missed their due date and never caught up. If your boyfriend suffers from terminal tardiness, let him know that this is not acceptable. Tell your never-ready steady that his perpetual lateness is not okay. It spoils your day and mood, and sends the message that his time is more valuable than yours. He may not mean to hurt your feelings, but he needs to hear that he is. If he seems genuinely sorry, ask him what he needs to do to be on time. If he’s sincere about changing, help him mend his ways. Look for improvement and provide positive reinforcement for increased punctuality. Time will tell if the situation improves, but if telling time continues to challenge your belated beloved, you’ll have to decide if the relationship is worth the frustration.

If it is, put your boyfriend on Greenwich BF Time. This zone is behind yours by however much your bf is typically late. So, if he’s always 30 minutes late and you want to meet up at 8:00, tell him 7:30. That way, when he shows up late he’s right on schedule.

As for the lying, tell your no-show beau that you signed on for Romeo, not Pinocchio. Being late is bad enough without lying about it. People who are late always have an explanation, whether true or not. But that doesn’t excuse it. Lateness is excusable only when it results from unforeseen events beyond one’s control. Explain to your boyfriend that there’s a new policy in town. Set limits. Let him know that if he is late you will leave without him, or go into the theater by yourself, or abandon the plan, or go home.  

If dawdling dearest calls or texts with an excuse to tell you he’s running behind schedule, at least that’s better than before. You can decide whether to believe him, and whether you’re willing to continue to wait. If you’re consistent about maintaining limits, he’ll shape up. And if not, it may be time to ship him out.

Heights of Rudeness: Giving Short Shrift to Manners

Dear Alex,

Have used your book “How Rude” as my go to resource - raising two amazing teens!

I was specifically looking for help with comments that my son gets regarding his size. He is a "delayed grower" and looks to be much younger which causes other kids and adults to say extremely rude things. I love your polite response sections and so far we have used "How kind of you to point that out." He is heading to a new school next year, 9th grade and all new kids. I am attempting to fill up his toolbox.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you so much!

Helena

Dear Helena,

Thank you for your kind email. I am always delighted to hear from readers of How Rude! and am pleased that you and your son have found the book useful.

With regard to your son’s situation…. What a shame that so much energy has to be expended coping with the rude buffoons who stalk the planet. But, such is life.

I don’t know your son’s personality, levels of self-confidence, or peer-group social status. I also don’t know where these rude comments fall along the continuum from thoughtlessness to intentional bullying. So let me suggest a range of options for responding to such rudeness. The first, of course, is to ignore it. Sometimes, the ignorant utterances of others simply aren’t worthy of a response. If The Rude One was trying to get a rise out of your son, failure to do so might cause the person to abandon his efforts.

If, however, your son feels a need to respond, the “polite” approach is the way to go. With careless and insensitive friends your son will continue to see, he could simply say, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my size,” or, “Could you please stop making comments about my height.” Friends would recognize from this response that they overstepped the line, and be likely to stop making such remarks.

With strangers or people with whom your son does not have an ongoing relationship, the above request might, by revealing his sensitivity, prompt further comments or challenge. So he should employ the “snappy comeback.” This strategy usually has the effect of making The Rude One feel silly and uncomfortable, causing him to drop the subject or leave. There’s really no limit to the types of perfectly polite things your son can say in response to comments about his height:

“Thank you for noticing.”

“Yes, it comes in handy when I need to go under a low bridge.”

“Are you sure? I could’ve sworn I was six-two.”

“Who are you calling short? I’d like to get a second opinion on that.”

“Being short is wonderful. I save so much money paying the child rate wherever I go.”

“Good things come in small packages.”

And any of the above can always be matched with a follow-up sentence such as:

“Perhaps you could help me keep a record of my height. We could mark it every month on the classroom door frame.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have a tape measure, would you? I’d love to know exactly how tall I am.”

The key here is that your son, with humor, is turning on himself the very spotlight that The Rude One hopes will make him squirm. If your son shows that he is happy to discuss his height without giving any indication that it bothers him to do so, it pulls the rug out from under The Rude One’s intention.

I would encourage your son to think up his own responses, too. And to remember that, with time, this situation is likely to resolve itself.

Thanks again for writing. And please give my best wishes to your son.

Politely yours,

Alex Packer